For Yourself
by littlegpbb
Summary: First person narration on what is causing a heartbreak


p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"Maybe i'm being dramatic again but to me, this is currently the worst feeling in the world. When you start to believe the person who once seemed to care and love you, no longer does./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"I once believed that you didn't care too much about looks because i knew to begin with that i was never a pretty person. When you told me you liked me, i was really happy. Happy to know that it wasn't because of looks that you started to like me. I thought you might be different to the majority of the male species at our school, who only seemed to care about looks./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"I thought you were different./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"Did you change? Is that why you've been cold to me? You say i bring this up so much but do you know how it feels? When the person who once cared for you, whom you also care for, starts to become distant... Starts to push you away.../p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"It's already hard enough for us to see one another, which is why i put in the effort to wake up earlier to see you. As the days passed, you gradually started to drift away from me. You admitted to not putting in effort. But i was okay with that, at first. Maybe it was just a phase. You'll get over it soon. You're not feeling well too. But one week after another, it just got worse and worse./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"You tell me to trust you, but who am i putting my trust in? You no longer seemed liked the person i fell for. You were just slowly breaking me apart. Maybe it was because i wasn't affectionate? That was once an issue. But when i tried to be more affectionate, you felt so smothered. I ended up giving up on that. Because it only hurts getting rejected. When i want to hold your hand. When i just want to link arms. You couldn't do it./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"Would people think we were dating? I doubt it./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"Rejection is terrifying, you know? Isn't that why people in society struggle to confess their feelings to those they admire? Why did you start to reject me?/p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"Of course you don't know this but rejection made me go crazy. Every second, every minute, every hour i was meant to focus on studying for my finals. What did i find myself doing though? Thinking about you. OVER thinking. "Of course you're overthinking again" is something you'd say. Why wouldn't i overthink though? For someone who replies so quickly, you took more than 30 mins but what seemed to me like forever. We'd hardly speak all day, maybe exchange a few lines and recount our day. You were disinterested and i could no longer stand it./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"The past two times i brought up the issue was online. Both times, you would seem "normal" for a day or two. Then again, you would become distant from me. This third time was different./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"After your last exam and my first exam, we met up as planned. I didn't cancel our ramen plans because i wanted to go home and study but because i knew it wouldn't be a good idea to talk about this issue. So we trained back. The train ride wasn't too awkward but it was slightly. Being awkward in a relationship already does not seem like a good sign. To think things could continue going down hill was horrific./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"You used to walk beside and hold my hand. That day, you chose to walk at your own speed as i lagged behind. It's not like it was the first time we were walking through these streets, but i felt uncomfortable./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"We sat at the place where we used to enjoy our Thursday afternoons. But even this spot, where so much laughter once resonated, felt unfamiliar. The awkward silence began./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""We're out of things to talk about," you said./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"Actually there were so many things on my mind. And after a month of feeling rejected, neglected and unloved, i did. I exploded to you in person. This time, i wasn't hiding behind a screen. You were now listening to my loud voice and my tone as you watched my face turn red as i wanted to tear up./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Why... Do you... What..."/p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"The questions remained unanswered. You left me with the silence. At that time, i wasn't ready to go on a break with you. I didn't want to break up with you. You gave me a hug and kissed my cheek when i left. But they did not feel genuine. To me, they were actions which you hope i'd be satisfied with so the tears wouldn't roll down my face. I did cry on that train ride home. You leaving those questions unanswered only confirmed the negative ideas i had./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"You say i don't trust you since i need conformation. But have you realised there is a reason that i need that conformation? It's so that i can continue to trust you./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"Actions speak louder than words. But without the action, i'm resorting to words. However, you can't even give the words now. What am i meant to believe in.../p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"The awkwardness continues and worsens. Those two days where your first place on my snapchat was in jeopardy. I'm saying this now, but did you know that even your friend was better company which is why he overtook you. I lied and said it was my best friend because i didn't want him to be named "Mr Steal Yo Girl" or something stupid like that. You sent around 15 messages to me over a period of a day. Was it a conversation? definitely not. I should've just sent you emails instead./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"Night before my second exam - once again, i was going crazy due to your lack of effort to communicate with me. At the time, i was indeed calm. It was a state of calmness where i just did not want any drama. And for once, we were having a conversation./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""Are we in some awkward phase or smth?"/p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;""LOL yeah i reckon we are"/p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"And the long night of no studying started./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"You finally gave me a proper response to the lack of interest, effort and value in our relationship. A response that stunned me. You were lacking the need to talk or have a conversation with me or perhaps you were lacking some appeal, was what you said./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"Still pretty vague, so the dig continued and what did you tell me? That changes needed to be made for that "aesthetic appeal". "GIT TO SHOPPING." you said./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"My first instincts was to tell you that i have, and was planning to in the upcoming break. But what the reason for your statement? You wanted me to care about my appearance, despite knowing that i am comfortable with what i wear./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"And this is issue 1: Clothes/p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"You didn't mean full on use make up but you didn't like the way i was dressing. Was it because i wore the same 5 sets of clothes each week to uni, mixed and matched around? Or was it because you didn't like the type of clothes i wore to begin with./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"My point is why does it matter if i'm comfortable. It's not like i'm trying to impress anyone at university. And it's UNI, why do i need to dress fancy. Is it simply because it was not appealing to your eyes? Because you wanted some eye candy?/p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"Like i said, i've always been comfortable with what i wear. Why should i care about what other people think right? But because of your words... because you said it feels good when your group doesn't look trash but it's good to have someone who you can look ugly with too. So which one am i categorised in? I definitely not counted as a part of your group. So thanks for indirectly saying i look trash. What i can't believe in myself is that i was affected by it after my exam. You were starting to make me feel insecure. Something many females have issues with. Something i didn't have but now... i do./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"Next, issue 2: Working out/p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"So the world knows it. Men like butts and boobs. Now you have to admit, you, in particular, have always been fond of "the booty". Always trying to touch it, hold it and squeeze it. You might think it's gross reading but that's what YOU desire./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"Before i continue, you know I've always been happy with how my body is (beside the few minor gains) but overall, i'm happy. You know this too is not so common and it's pretty cool./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"So why say that you respect people who try to look the best they can. "Like gymming, people are trying to look aesthetic and improve their physical self"./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"You know i do a sport once a week but you suggest, "a few squats won't hurt". It's not like i can't. But being struggling, stressed first year university student who is still trying to manage between sleep, work, study and a dying relationship, it's not something you can expect me to grapple. Maybe you think you're in the same boat but you're not./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"So what am i trying to point out here? Look for the KEY WORDS. Like you said. It's that aesthetic appeal. So you're really just into looks now. Maybe you have an issue with how i overthink things but the two issues you voiced were physical attributes of a person. Because of these two issue, you made me feel insecure and question myself./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"But i should not and will not feel this way just because you aren't happy with who i am physically. I'm disappointed in you. Really. Also disappointed in myself for taking so long to realise that i have done nothing wrong./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"If you had an issue with my character, i wouldn't have a problem listening and i'd definitely re-evaluate myself to change for the better. But this wasn't on personality. I'll tell you this, you're not a good boyfriend yourself based on your character. I don't need to think about your appearance because that's your decision to make. You need to understand that changing my physical appearance isn't going to make me any less or any more better as a girlfriend./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"I read an article yesterday:/p  
blockquote class="tr_bq" style="color: #000000; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"  
p style="margin: 0px;"If you choose to wear make up, wear it for yourself and wear it because you want to, not because you're trying to meet other people's expectations./p  
/blockquote  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" I'm going to follow this now. Whether we're still together in the future or not, whether i start to shop or maybe even gym, it'll never be because of my partner. If i have a list of reason, it'd be the last reason on that list./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"So, do you still care about me? or are you only in this in hope i will "improve" on the aesthetic appeal. I'm still waiting for you response./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"I doubt you'll ever read this. But if you do! This is how i feel. Because you left that conversation when you had your say and you felt better, not caring how much you hurt./p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;" /p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"littlegpebb/p  
p style="margin: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium;"em4:59am - the bottle holding everything is no longer full/em/p 


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